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Infinite Curiosity

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Category Archives: humor

Quarantine one liners that will crack you up!

06 Monday Apr 2020

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

  1. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
  2. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  3. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
  4. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
  6. Quarantine Day 4-Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
  7. I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

— from a random WhatsApp forward

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Random Short Jokes (unexpected)

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by Grynn in humor, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out… [pulls over & checks Wikipedia]

One-Liners

01 Wednesday Mar 2017

Posted by Grynn in humor, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May!

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread!

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: Music Teacher: What’s your favourite musical instrument?
A: Kid: The lunch bell!

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!

Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
A: Transparents!

Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A: A Barbercue!

Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: A cereal killer!

Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina!

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion!

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
A: Nostalgia!

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear!

Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid!

Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted!

Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal!

Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in High School!

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!

Funny signs

22 Friday May 2015

Posted by Grynn in humor, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

sign over a gynaecologist’s office :
“dr. jones, at ur cervix”


in a podiatrist’s office :
“time wounds all heels”


on a septic tank truck:
yesterday’s meals on wheels


on a plumber’s  truck :
“we repair wat ur husband fixed”


on another plumber’s truck :
“don’t sleep with a drip. call ur plumber.”


on a church’s billboard :
“7 days without god makes one weak”


at a tyre store:
“invite us to ur next blowout”


on an electrician’s truck :
“let us remove ur shorts.”


in a non-smoking area :
“if we see smoke, we will assume u are on fire & take appropriate action.”


on a maternity room door:
“push. push. push.”


at an optometrist’s office :
“if u don’t see wat u’re looking for, u’ve come to the right place.”


on a taxidermist’s window :
“we really know our stuff.”


on a fence :
“salesmen welcome! dog food is expensive!”


at a car dealership :
“the best way to get back on ur feet – miss a car payment.”


outside a car exhaust store :
“no appointment necessary. we hear u coming.”


in a vets waiting room:
“be back in 5 minutes. sit! stay!”


in a restaurant window :
“don’t stand there & be hungry; come on in & get fed up.”


in the front yard of a funeral home :
“drive carefully. we’ll wait.”


and don’t forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP :
“best place in town to take a leak.”


Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Humor: Too smart for our own good

29 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

funny, indian

*NOTE: This collection of short jokes will only make sense if you speak Hinglish.

Boy: What’s your Name??
Girl: Palak and you?
Boy: Paneer
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: Hello i am Khusbu
Boy: khusbu ka dusra naam bharosa agarbati….kone kone me khusbu faila de
*BLOCKED!!!*

Boy: Hi, whats ur name??
Girl: its Neha Singhal.
Boy: oh. . M also Single.
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: What’s Up?
Boy: Uttar Pradesh.
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: tu soya hai…??
Boy: Nahi…! Schezwan hu..!
*Gets Blocked Instantly*

Girl: I’m free tommorow!
Boy: pehle kya paid thi??
*BLOCKED!!!*

Boy: Aaj mausam achha h mall chalte h.
Girl: waha kya karenge??
Boy: hawan karenge, hawan karenge.
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: see ya!
Boy: Var Ram chandar ki jai !
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: Have a Good Day.
Boy: No thank you… I like Parle-G more.
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: I need some Space.
Boy: Ok then go to Sonakshi Sinha’s forehead.
*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl puts up her status : “waiting for CHENNAIEXPRESS “.
Boy: COOLIE hai kya? ?
*BLOCKED!!!*

Boy: Thank you
Girl: My pleasure
Boy: My Bajaj Pulsar
*Reported as spam* *Blocked Forever*

After fight:

Girl: Tum mujhe manaate hi nahin!
Boy: Tum kya ho? Diwali ho? Ya Holi?
*BLOCKED!!!*

Be Specific

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

 

Wishes

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.

Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

Funny One Liners…

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

  • Facebook: Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are awesome, but who the fuck are you??
  • Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
  • I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they  wanted cash.
  • You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
  • Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
  • Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
  • Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you are a referee.
  • Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
  • A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
  • Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
  •   Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees  with me.
  • Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
  • Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
  • A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
  • You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
  • It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
  • Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
  • Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it  for you.
  • Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
  • They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
  • There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

Funny programming quotes

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by Grynn in humor, programming

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

joke

“If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.”
-Robert Sewell

s/Java/php|perl|whatever/g

 

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.”
– Gavin Russell Baker

 

“If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.” – Edsger W. Dijkstra

Adult Book Stores

06 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

If “adult” book stores were true to their name, they’d sell books on
    * taxes
    * retirement
    * insurance
    * home repair
    * menopause
    * career advancement
    * saving for college
    * etc.
These are things that only adults care about.

— John Cook (https://plus.google.com/107357401349156916755)

I see your problem….

11 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by Grynn in humor

≈ Leave a comment

A Priest, a drunkard, and a technician were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, “Well Heaven is up, so I’ll look up, so I can see where I’m going.” So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.

The drunkard thought, “Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me,”so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.

The technician thought, “Well why not?” So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, “Oh I see your problem!”

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