1. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
2. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
3. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
4. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
6. Quarantine Day 4-Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
7. I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

— from a random WhatsApp forward

Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

Wishes

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.

Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

• Facebook: Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are awesome, but who the fuck are you??
• Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they  wanted cash.
• You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
• Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
•   Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees  with me.
• Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it  for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

If “adult” book stores were true to their name, they’d sell books on
    * taxes
    * retirement
    * insurance
    * home repair
    * menopause
    * career advancement
    * saving for college
    * etc.
These are things that only adults care about.

— John Cook (https://plus.google.com/107357401349156916755)

A Priest, a drunkard, and a technician were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, “Well Heaven is up, so I’ll look up, so I can see where I’m going.” So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.

The drunkard thought, “Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me,”so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.

The technician thought, “Well why not?” So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, “Oh I see your problem!”