Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

Wishes

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.

Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral: BE SPECIFIC

• Facebook: Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are awesome, but who the fuck are you??
• Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they  wanted cash.
• You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
• Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
•   Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees  with me.
• Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it  for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

If “adult” book stores were true to their name, they’d sell books on
    * taxes
    * retirement
    * insurance
    * home repair
    * menopause
    * career advancement
    * saving for college
    * etc.
These are things that only adults care about.

— John Cook (https://plus.google.com/107357401349156916755)

A Priest, a drunkard, and a technician were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, “Well Heaven is up, so I’ll look up, so I can see where I’m going.” So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.

The drunkard thought, “Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me,”so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.

The technician thought, “Well why not?” So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, “Oh I see your problem!”

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out for a caterer, band and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cart wheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says: “Well, I don’t know. Let me ask him.”

He then turned to Willie and shouted: “Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment …”